I had a strange texture in my mouth, it was like sand.. Or maybe flour…. no it was bubbles.  I tried to get this texture out of my mouth but I couldn't seem to spit or swallow it. 

 –Then I opened my eyes…I was on my back.  A couple people had stopped what they were doing…. Maybe everyone was looking at me?  

I had been at the gym for open matt in Jiu Jitsu– I was playing around with the high schooler experimenting some escapes……..

–HOLY SHIT, I HAD BEEN UNCONSCIOUS!

-I got choked out. 

Wait, shit! I got choked out by a 15 year old!!

I guess my neck isn’t stronger than his arms…  This kid (Sam) is probably 15 years old and 130 lbs and he doesn't know if this is the coolest thing he’s ever done or if he should be terrified of the sweaty 6’5 corpse on top of him.  

He asks me if I’m ok, I actually felt pretty great…

After asking me if I’m ok another 5 times or so we continue the roll, I pin him as the buzzer goes off.  We shake hands and I hype him up, I act happy and proud for him and I think it was genuine (although probably partially to cover my embarrassment).  I slap him on the back and tell him he better tell everyone at school about his conquest.  

I hit another 2 rolls with some brazillians and tap them with cheap triangles and leg locks to boost my ego but admittedly I perform pretty well.  I sneak out early and drive home for the Bible study I have to kinda lead in 15 minutes.  I’m still in a bit of a daze. I call my dad and leave him an emotional voicemail.  Then I call some friends from home to tell them the story.   

Most people are pretty concerned when I tell them which surprises me. I’ve seen it happen before; it happens to most people who do Jiu Jitsu long enough.  It’s not bad for you, some studies actually say it might be good for you…  

I’m still a little dazed for Bible study but we make it through.  I of course confess my defeat to them in some act or lesson of humility or pride.  (I felt genuine at the time but think maybe I should have kept it private)

I have thought about it a lot since.  I think a lot and about a lot of things, but never about this sort of thing.  It’s not my kind of devouring thought.  It also doesn’t have any direction or emotion, just some vague presence.  I mean, I could beat this kid 10 times out of 10; even in the bad triangle position I let myself get into I could have muscled my way out of it. 

–But I didn’t get out of it, and when I woke up I even thought I had tapped out.  

I can make some claim about God humbling me.  I was even talking smack to the kid just seconds before I went out.  And maybe that was just another opportunity I could have taken–but I don’t think I’m any humbler now.  I’m sure that this is true but this thought has brought no conclusion.  

Maybe it should be thought of as a reminder of my own mortality; I’ve never been severely injured or endangered, surely I’ve never been forced into the dreamless blackness of unconsciousness.  And I can conjure that version of the thought in some horrible way but its not genuine or significant.

[It is weird to think there is a simple switch on my neck that can turn off the lights]

Nonetheless, this has not “stuck” in any real way.   I am not thinking more about death or nonexistence.  I am just as reckless a rock scrambler, swimmer, driver and drinker.  

Maybe this was simply trivial and I’m trying to spin up a more significant event than that which occurred.  I surely try to construct a more fantastical facade for life than what I am now living. But that doesn’t make the thought go away.

 I don’t really believe in insignificant events and I fundamentally oppose the existence of significant events without meaning.  And I’ve never been one to reach for meaning and grasp only at air before, yet hear I am babbaling away.  

Anyways–  For now that’s all the thoughts I have, so to my lone reader Kackie I hope this gives you a chuckle….

-Henry